At the heart of it all, I suppose my motives are selfish. I want to share my story with you. I believe doing this will help me work through some issues, frustrations and perhaps have a little fun along the way. However, I hope and think it possible that my story could benefit you. As my father used to say, “Always learn from the mistakes of others.” Believe me, I have made countless mistakes in my short time here on earth. However, in trying to heed that piece of advice, I have also learned a great deal from others’ mistakes. Perhaps, together we will come out the other side of this journey as better, or at least brighter, people than when we began. My great uncle (a WW2 veteran and survivor of Pearl Harbor) always told me, “If anyone ever offers to teach you anything, take them up on it!” I didn’t always take that advice growing up, but I hope you will now.
There are a few things you should know about me before we begin this journey in earnest. First and foremost, I love Jesus with all my heart. I don’t think for one second that I am better or “holier than thou.” In fact, the truth is far from that. If my relationship with Jesus has taught me anything, it is that I am just as broken and in need of help as anyone on earth. Often, I feel that I am more so. I grew up going to church every time the doors were open. We were there Sunday morning, Sunday evening, Wednesdays, and for every special event. As a kid, I loved every minute of it. You had better believe that I knew all the answers in Sunday school. I was the most well-behaved kid in the whole place, and I sang the loudest every Sunday morning (my wife would still tell you that I have quite the loudmouth when it comes to singing). However, behind closed doors, I made many of the same choices (looking back, I would call them mistakes) as other young boys. I got addicted to pornography early on, fought with my siblings and my parents nonstop, and was very selfish and prideful. I mentioned that I had some issues to work through, right? Well, that list is just the tip of the iceberg, I’m afraid.
My point in all of that is to let you know that I am your average messed up human being who has decided to love Jesus. I am working out my issues here, with you in no small part, because I wasn’t allowed to work them out in the church. We were always expected to put on a happy face when we went to church. Remember, I told you that I was the most well-behaved kid at church? Well, no one knew that right before I got out of the car, I had been screaming mean at hurtful things at my mother, who had also been screaming mean and nasty things at me. When someone asked me how it was going, my response always had to be “it’s going great,” instead of, “you know I’m actually struggling with a porn addiction, could you help me out?” We smiled, and we sang even when we didn’t feel like it, so none of these issues were ever addressed until I became an adult.
I still love Jesus more than anything else in the world. However, I do struggle to maintain my side of the relationship. Deep in my heart, I want to do everything possible to be close to Him, but most days, I simply don’t. Honestly, I couldn’t even tell you why but I don’t read my bible very often, and I definitely don’t pray like I should. In my mind, I know that communication is key to this relationship like it is to any other. I know that if I spoke to my wife as often as I talk to Jesus, we would no longer be married. Yet, I find myself feeling distant and lacking the motivation to take time with Him. This leads to more screw ups which in turn leads to feeling more distant. It’s a terrible cycle that I know needs to be broken. I imagine many other believers feel this way, and none of us talk about it because of the way the church is and has been for so long.
So here’s the last thing you should know about me before we really get started. As an adult, I am very frustrated with the church for the reasons listed above and many other things that we will get into together in the future. I see looking back that the church is not functioning as it was meant to over the years that has brought me a lot of pain where I should have found comfort and put roadblocks where there should have been helping hands. I want to work through those issues with you as well, dear reader. So are you confused yet? I realize it’s all kind of a tangled knot, but then, that is my purpose here, to eventually try and untangle it all. I hope that you will join me as we embark on this journey.
Until next time.
Love,
The Undead Writer